My social anxiety…

BTR-SocialAnxiety-InfographicIt was my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday party. It was at my grandmother’s house. She just invited all of their friends and then she invited me. That’s weird in itself she’s never one to invite me when it comes to her friends. But I went which was not me. I never go out anywhere. Let’s just say I think I made a mistake. Upon arriving I saw a lot of cars. I walked inside and there were so many people. I don’t know any of them and they’ve all gathered around and talking and I didn’t know what to do. Because it was my grandma’s house, I go there every Sunday and I kind of knew where to hide. It’s weird cause you to think you’ll know your sister like I thought I knew my sister’s friends and yet I didn’t know her best friend because they were cuddling on the couch and I didn’t know this guy at all. Be that he acted like he knew me all his life. It’s just a weird feeling I have had throughout that night like it was a fun party and I did feel welcome but I didn’t talk to anybody I literally just sat there and thought about going home to my bed. I struggle with this all the time but I don’t know if anyone notices. They just think I’m being antisocial. Puts pressure on me to try to go out but it is hard on me. It makes me physically sick if I go to a place like this and I don’t know anybody and I don’t know what to do. No one realizes that that’s why I hate going out. And then I start feeling bad for myself I don’t have this life I don’t have friends I don’t have someone to talk to you I don’t have the life my sister has. She lives at my grandmother’s where everything seems smooth she has her life in order I don’t. I came home to a chaotic house. ill have to wake up the next day and do the same things I do everyday clean up after my family make sure bills get paid to focus on school focus on work focus on keeping this family together she doesn’t have to worry about that and it makes me feel so bad inside that I don’t have the life she has. And that’s hard on me. And I needed to get this off my chest and I think download (9)that’s why I’m making this post. Am I going to post it??? I don’t know but it feels good to say it out loud it feels good to write it. I’ve carried around this feeling with me for so long. Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this sometimes. That is the end of my rant / depressed Post. I promised the rest of my post for June are not like this. As of right now, it’s actually May 11th but I am so far ahead I didn’t have a spot for one this is coming out so I just felt right to write this I’m not going to lie. I don’t want people to think I don’t love my sister because it’s not true but we just have two different lives she just makes me feel sometimes like my life is not good enough but if it wasn’t for me our family wouldn’t be keeping it together for so long. I don’t know. it’s just a feeling I have sometimes so thank you for letting me rant you are more than welcome to rant in the comments down below if you need a place to vent I want my blog to be there for you so don’t feel bad if you just need to read for a second and I will listen to you as always.

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